No More Fear

I'm writing this before I go to sleep.  It was a long day (but good) and I'm exhausted, but I want to post something so I'll try to sum up my mood as best as I can.  

I am very excited about poker right now.  I haven't felt this desire to play or butterflies in my stomach thinking about poker in quite some time.  

After BF, I've been haunted by the idea that the government can shut down any site I was on and I would be out X more dollars than I already am on FT (~$1100), and that has lead me to play a fearful game.  I was fearing all different aspects of poker.  Fear of losing:  What if I lose this money?  What could I have bought with it instead?  Fear of looking bad:  Other players won't respect me/won't think I'm good.  Etc Etc.  Then on the flip side, fear of winning:  Am I going to be able to cash out this money if I win?  Will it take long?  Will I ever receive it?  Those thoughts have often led me to the point of my mentality being "you probably won't cash it out, so just play to play, not to win".  That has to change.

Tonight I was talking to my friend Jackstack99 about some issues I've been having with HEM, and it turned into a brief Q&A about poker, and him letting me pick his brain on a few things.  It was only a few minutes long, but as always, he gives me great information.  He's been my poker mentor for probably two years now, if not more.  I used to play live .25/.50 with him in my backyard, and now he's a top pro on Pokerstars playing in the $200+ Hyper HUSNGs.  I honestly couldn't be happier for him, and hope he keep crushing these games hard!  So after we spoke, I suddenly felt excited about the game again.  Like really excited.  I literally have no one to talk to poker about in my immediate circle of friends, so when the one person I talk to is a highly winning player, it adds some excitement to it.  It's not just BS advice, or a random guy telling you his bad beat stories, I'm talking to someone who I know is a professional poker player.  That makes it feel so real, and that it's not just a dream to chase-  it can really happen.  

Now it's time to keep the excitement going.  Tomorrow I'm going to play and start my rejuvenated poker journey.  No more fear.  If I lose, I have to analyze my game and get better.  If I win, I'll keep building the bankroll and getting even better.  If I can't cash out, so be it, I'll just keep refining my skills until online poker is back in the US.  There is no downside.  Thanks Jack, you always bring me back on point when I'm down and out. 

Back on the grind...ish

Hey everyone.  Last time I was on here I mentioned that I was awaiting results of a comprehensive exam, and good news!  I passed.  It was only pass/fail, so there are no exact number or letter grades to correspond to it.  That was a huge weight off my shoulders.  The Graduate Advisor of the program told my class that over the years the percentage of students passing the exam on their first try was 40%.  Beating those odds was relieving, as I did NOT want to have to go back in December to repeat the test.

So anyway, onto poker.  I still haven't fully set up my Lock account because after their acquisition of Cake, there were a shit ton of glitches/errors/whateverthefucks going wrong with their program.  So I decided to wait out all the chaos.  Now things seem to be running smoothly on there, I just have to set up my account verification (I've been too lazy to print the stuff out and send them pics of everything).  I've tried depositing on Carbon just to get some games in, and for the first time, my bank isn't allowing the charge to go through.  Motherfuckers.  So then I tried an international Visa gift card (as per Carbon support advice) and that still didn't work.  My other option is a direct cash transfer via Western Union or MoneyGram.  I'm saving that as a last resort.  I'm currently posting on the 2+2 boards to see if anyone wants to trade Chase quickpay for Carbon. 

I am playing currently though, through a different Merge skin.  It's pretty shady and I don't like it too much, but it's the only way I can play right now.  I'm not going to mention the skin, or my username on it because, I'll just explain how it works and what my results have been thus far. 

A friend of mine told me about a place near where we live that has laptops and computers set up, and all you do is go there, make a username and password, give the guy cash, and he funds your account.  From there, you can either play on site, or go home and download the skin and play at home.  Then, when you're ready to cash out, you just go to the place and they give you cash on the spot.  The catch, from what I understand, is that they get the rake from games I play.  So no rakeback for me :(

In the days post Black Friday, I'll do just about anything to get online and play. 

I'm trying out hyper's right now.  I put in 50 games today at the $4.15 buy in, and had a 60% win rate.  It has a much higher variance than the turbos, so I'm playing lower than I usually do so I can get used to the swings.  I would like to get in 50 games a day if I have time.  Even if I can never see this money again because the site isn't legit or whatever, it's only 200 bucks, and I can use it to refine my game and keep getting better.  When online poker returns to the US market, I want to be ready.